Ed Learns to PickUp Girls
by MoonSpider95
Summary: Against his will, Edward learns lessons in the art of love through none other than Roy Mustang!


**Ok, this is something I've been working on for a while, I really like how it came out. This was inspired by a small comic at Deviant Art by Evildragonqueen. To see it, copy and paste the link below, minus the spaces..**

**http:/ evilddragonqueen .deviantart .com/ gallery/ 23356444# /d2brvdr**

**I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. Please read and enjoy. =)**

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><p><em>A girl with long, shining brown hair sat at the café's table across from Edward. He sauntered over to her, his blonde hair brushed back, and leaned sexily over the table. He whispered to her, "So … I've been studying … really hard."<em>

_And in that instant her face lit up. She sighed at the mere sign of his true intelligence. She was all his. _

"And?" Edward blinked at her response. He didn't plan that out.

"So …" Elric hesitated to think of what could possibly come next. "I need a way to let off some steam. You wanna go out some time?" The girl seemed as unimpressed as ever. She didn't know this boy and from what she could tell she didn't want to. She got up, rolling her eyes, and carried her tray as she walked down the street.

She was far from his.

Unfortunately, Ed turned around to see Alphonse ending his pet store-browsing. Even encased in a suit of armor, Edward could tell his younger brother was holding back his chuckles. He turned to his younger sibling in a huff. "What do you want, Al? Besides a kitten?"

A small boy's laugh escaped the armor. "Brother … you're really not good at that!"

Ed's eyes opened in surprise then squinted as if looking down on him. "I am so! She just wasn't my type!"

Alphonse chuckled, "You've been studying really hard? Really?"

Ed turned away from his brother. "I'd like to see you do better!" He instantly regretted those words, remembering his brother's predicament, and opened his mouth to apologize. The armored hand stopped him, picking him up off the ground and landing him to sit on his shoulders as they walked back to Central.

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><p>"HELL NO!" Edward protested.<p>

They were in Roy Mustang's office and Alphonse was laughing at his mean little prank. Roy had been known to have been with multiple women in the course of weeks. Surely it wouldn't be too hard to teach Ed a couple of things? The teen was steaming, absolutely refusing to take any advice from his hated boss, much less on something like this! He ranted, "ALPHONSE, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? I'M YOUR ONLY BROTHER! THIS IS JUST TOO CRUEL! THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I'M TAKING DATING ADVICE FROM COLONEL BASTARD OVER THERE! IF I NEED ANY ADVICE AND I'M NOT SAYING I DO THEN IT'D HOW TO PICK UP GIRLS, NOT HOW TO BE A TOTAL MAN-WHORE!"

The younger brother stood a little frightened, but the Colonel spoke as calmly as ever. "Come Fullmetal, you joined us when you were twelve years old, correct? I wouldn't expect you to learn these more sensitive matters on your own; I always thought I'd teach you. I see myself as a sort of father figure for you to look up to." He smirked, adjusted his ignition glove.

"Yeah, well that makes sense because I hate that bastard too!"

Roy put on an overcoat, completely ignoring the young alchemist's pleas. Edward shot yet another death glare at his brother, but Alphonse smiled – or would have if he could – and watched as his older sibling was practically dragged out by his boss. Soon, the fun would begin.

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><p>ROUND 1<p>

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><p>Wandering the local market, a tall, physically-gifted woman in a short, slinky green dress walked out aggravated from a phone booth. Roy smirked at the sight and pointed his thumb to her. He said to Edward, "Lesson Number 1: When a girl is having trouble, and you fix it, then they're grateful."<p>

Edward rolled his eyes. That was simple logic, Einstein. Did he honestly think that would be enough to earn him a date? In Ed's experience, a simple thank you is usually what's given.

Mustang made his move, effortlessly sliding into the thin booth with her and unjamming the machine with a flick of his hand. Edward couldn't help but wonder if that was planned. As he expected, the girl said, "Why … thank you."

The Flame Alchemist smiled at her, lifting the line gently to her ear. "The number?"

By this point, Edward began to steam.

The woman replied, "Oh…the call wasn't that important." She held out her hand. "I'm Sophia."

Edward angrily slapped his forehead into the palm of his hand. As Roy wrote down the woman's phone number and offered her a date for later that night, Ed noticed a girl struggling to carry a week's worth of groceries. "Here, let me help you with that."

"No, I've got it." The girl balanced the bag on her knee and lifted it herself before walking away from the young alchemist without another thought, her hair flipped into his face.

Roy: 1

Ed: 0

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><p>ROUND 2<p>

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><p>"Stop messing around, Mustang. If you're going to teach me something, then hurry up already!" Edward was becoming impatient with Roy, his face still stinging slightly the hair of his previous attempt. The Colonel was taking the time by his desk to fix his hair.<p>

"Patience, Fullmetal. It's nice to dress up in a lady's presence."

Ed scoffed at the idea. "I look fine!" He was clad in the typical black attire minus the red coat. His automail arm was clearly visible and his braid was undone and spread around his shoulder. He continued, "It doesn't matter if you spruce up or not. If there's a connection, there's a connection!"

Roy smirked that evil grin of his.

Sheska walked in with a stack of papers so high that anyone could see the tower was considerably above her head. "I have those papers you asked for…" At that moment, Ed unwittingly drank from a bottle of water, accidentally spilling the contents over his slim black uniform, bare, glowing skin, and shining automail. Sheska, needless to say, had a nosebleed despite the age difference. It took the young alchemist a moment to process what had happened, but he later grinned in victory.

Riza Hawkeye walked through the office as the bookworm exited, allowing the paper to be scattered on the floor; Mustang glared at her. The boy sent as smug grin to him as his clothes were torn and barely presentable. He had just shot a hole through his boss' theory. Roy was exasperated. He turned to Lieutenant Hawkeye who was once again cleaning up another mess caused by stupidity in the workplace. He brushed his hair back further and forced his way in front of her.

"Why Lieutenant … do you notice anything new about me?"

She looked him up and down but seemed unimpressed. Finally, she answered, "You seem to be in the need of a haircut, sir. And you look sickly – spending some time in the sun would do you good." With that, she turned and walked out the door with Rose. Edward was holding back his laughter while in a desperate attempt to get the last word Mustang shouted, "I WOULD IF IT WOULD STOP RAINING!"

Roy: 1

Ed: 1

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><p>ROUND 3<p>

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><p>Roy was at a jeweler's, just handed a small box which contained diamond earrings. Edward was sitting on a bench outside the store, his chin on his hands. As Roy exited, he said to Fullmetal like a teacher, "When you find a significant other, you will find the quickest way to apologize or get her into a good mood is to get her a gift. In desperate cases, it can also be used to ask a girl out."<p>

Ed looked up to him. "Seriously? Even I have heard that 'Diamonds are a girl's best friend' crap! I ain't buyin' it."

"Buying it?" Roy questioned.

Ed smirked deviously, feeling he had finally outsmarted his superior. "Everyone knows that girls want gifts that are deep and comes from the heart." The boy takes' a random person's glass of water and splashes it on the floor. He would protest, except that Elric performed a transmutation and froze the water into the shape of a heart. The sight, as anyone would expect, chased the random man away, but Edward still smiled triumphantly.

As Riza was about to walk by them, Mustang said, "We'll see which works better."

He approached his partner with the gift behind his back. The girl went off, her voice raised yet still respectful. "Sir, you have left at left 15 pages of paperwork on your desk! Whatever you are doing with Edward, I insist that you continue _after _you assignments are completed."

"Oh, Riza, not everything I do on my spare time involves that boy. Quite the contrary …" Roy removed his arm from his back and Riza's eyes fell on the small box though her expression remained stern. When Mustang opened the box, her heart raced for a moment as a harmless smile snuck onto her face. She held the box in her hands. "Ok … I'll give you one more hour. But that's it." She turned, resisting the urge to hug the Colonel, and left down the streets once more.

Edward commented, "Are you really counting that as a victory? She just agreed you could put off work a little longer."

Roy replied, "IF you really knew Lieutenant Hawkeye, then you would know that that is about as loving as she gets.

Fullmetal had just about enough of this. He stood and stopped and random girl at this filled-to-the-brim marketplace. The girl had long, red hair with freckles that he took as extremely cute; she was a good enough test-date. "Excuse me, miss? I'm Edward Elric – the famous Fullmetal Alchemist – and I was wondering if you'd like to go out with me sometime, maybe go for a walk through a park or something like that?" He attempted to smile as friendly as possible, but it may have just come off creepy. The ice-heart, however, was in perfect condition and was being offered the girl as she stood in shock.

The girl spoke. "Uh, Ed? M-maybe some other time …"

"Huh?"

"Well, it's just, we just met … and don't you think an ice sculpture is a little much?"

He sighed.

Ed: 1

Roy: 2

WINNER – ROY MUSTANG

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><p>At Central, Edward wandered mindlessly through the halls, grieving over the fact that Colonel Bastard was even better at a love life than he was. The young alchemist tried to keep in mind that he was looking for his younger brother – again, he had no idea how he kept losing a 6 foot suit of armor – though that was barely on his mind after such an embarrassing defeat.<p>

Suddenly, Winry came running through the halls, the surprised Elric brother stunned by the sudden energy. When she was close enough, Winry said, "ED! I finally found you! It's time for your tune-up again, or did you forget?"

Truthfully, he did forget. "Ah, sorry Winry."

"Don't worry about it; it's not too late!" The blonde pulled him towards the exit and Edward could feel a certain warmth as she grabbed him. His chest began to twist on the inside in a way that he never noticed before. So Roy Mustang was the better at picking up girls. Big deal; he dumps each of them after one date. Though Elric never had a date, he was lucky to have Winry, even they technically were not even together.

The young alchemist whispered in a way so that the automail mechanic would not here him. "I think I won."


End file.
